I'll be there for ewe

What I've been thinking about this week: 

1. Education, education, education
2. Crisps

This morning the cupboard was a bit bare. There was no bread and no cheese, which everyone knows does not equal a tasty lunch. 

Hunter Gatherer Fisher went on a quest to the village shop and came back with the lunch of champions: Heinz tomato soup, Simpsons morning rolls and Cheesy XL crisps.

As you'd imagine from the name they are very much up my fromagey street but they're not widely known beyond Dumfries & Galloway and Cumbria. I happened to mention to Ivie that I hadn't tasted them before I started going out with him. He nodded sagely in between bites  and said, "your education continues". 

It got me thinking about what else I've learned over the past six years. It's most apparent when it comes to farm matters. I'm no expert but I can follow more conversations about livestock than I used to and the other day I even actively sought out a video about sheep. 

Not any old sheep, mind you. This was Fiona - who in the past week has become hot property, appearing on everything from This Morning and Landward to Gogglebox and the Last Leg. 

Not a famous sheep but quite a cute one

She's put our corner of the world on the map, with lots of people hearing about Dumfries for the first time. And maybe a few more people are getting an insight into farming and animal welfare. But that's another story for someone more serious and knowledgeable than me. 

It's made me wonder who would win in a fight for most famous Scottish sheep. In the blue corner, Dolly, who now resides in a glass case in the National Museum of Scotland being ogled by people sniggering at how she got her name. And in the red, Fiona, who is very much alive at Dalscone Farm receiving 5-star treatment and visits from Dougie Vipond. 

Mary's little lamb doesn't even get a look in. 

Numbers Game

What I've been thinking about this week:

1. Rocks
2. Paper
3. Scissors

Usually by October, things have quietened down on the farm and Ivie and I get to have more meals at the same time in the same place. We get into our autumn routine, eating breakfast together, stopping work for lunch and having tea at tea time. Obsessed with food, us? 

Ivie and I have been like ships that pass in the night this week, though. He's been doing a job along the road that involves shifting 10,000 tonnes of rock from one part of a farm to another. And I had a rare 5 day working week (yes, I'm a part-timer; no, I'm not ashamed). 

10,000 is a big number. I had it in my head that he'd said 10 tonnes but, on reflection, that doesn't make sense when bulls can weigh a tonne or more each. Although I'm pretty good with numbers, I'm not very good at picturing them out in the real world. 

Put together a three year budget for a charity? Easy peasy.

Visualise an acre, tonne or even a metre? Not a chance. 

How heavy are these? No idea. 

Anyway, my extra day of work wasn't exactly onerous. It involved a trip to Glasgow to take part in an art workshop for one of my work projects. I got to make part of a paper chain, take a line for a walk on a piece of paper and sit on the floor cutting words and phrases out of magazines. To be fair, getting back off the floor was the most onerous part. 

Thinking about it, though, I'm not sure that would have been Ivie's comfort zone. 

Drive a massive tractor and trailer along single track roads? No bother. 

Work on a giant collage with a group of strangers? No thank you. 

Doodle Priceless artwork

We have different skills and that's one of the things that makes us such a good team, along with laughing at each other's stupid jokes and being pretty laid back about the state of the house. 

Friday evening was the longest we'd spent together all week (naturally, spent shouting at a rugby match on TV). It made a change from Ivie rushing out the door as I got back from walking the dog in the morning and arriving home just after I'd walked the dog in the evening. Now I come to think of it, maybe it was 10 tonnes and he's just been hiding out in a layby till it's time to come home...

We could be heroes

What I've been thinking about:

• The Scunner Campbell
• Scotland Rugby Fans

I know you'll find it hard to believe (because we're so young) but Ivie and I have a Great Nephew (as well as a great nephew, of course). Since he could sit on a lap and 'steer' he's taken great joy in anything with wheels. Luckily for him Great Uncle Ivie drives a tractor and last time he came to The Spittal he had a seat in the cab of a New Holland. I have it on good authority that when he's not visiting he talks about tractors non-stop and considers Ivie his hero. 

This got me thinking about heroes and their many guises. For Scots my age, there is only one superhero. 

Is there nothing that she cannae do? 

Some Scots (including Ivie) are hoping that Jamie Ritchie and the rest of the Scotland Rugby Squad will prove to be heroes tomorrow night. I admire their optimism. The thing is, it's not the team that are the real heroes. It's the poor bloody buggering fans that have spent a lifetime travelling near and far to have their hopes dashed time and time again. 

Ivie, Neil and Scrawn, Nice, 2023

Ivie is very proud of the fact that he's been to every Rugby World Cup since 1991. That's thousands of air miles, gallons of beer and lifelong friends made all over the world. I tend to take a less committed approach to it all, accompanying Ivie to World Cup destinations and sampling the other delights on offer. 

12-storey stationery store, Tokyo, 2019

Tarte au citron, Trevoux, 2023

I'd like to think that this time tomorrow, we'll be celebrating an historic win and Scotland's progress to the quarter finals. If not, we'll lick our wounds (again) and start making plans for Oz in 2027. Perhaps being a rugby fan isn't so bad after all. 

Celebrate Good Times

What I've been thinking about:

1. Birth Days
2. Gnocchi

This morning's Facebook memories tell me that six years ago I was visiting friends near Stockholm. Highlights included staying on a hostel that was a boat (or was it a boat that was a hostel?), spotting a gigantic elk from the bus (and no one else batting an eyelid) and time with some of my favourite people. 

Den Röda Båten

This time last year, Ivie and I were in Glasgow which meant that, in a break from the norm, we spent his birthday day together. I've long since accepted that red letter days at home are only marginally different from other days. We generally manage food related fun in the evening but bales still need stacked, machinery still needs tinkered with and stock still needs checked.  

Which brings me to yesterday. Ivie turned 45 (+VAT) and we had arranged dinner at The Pheasant Sorbie with Doug and Marie. We'd last seen Doug in Japan in 2019 and I'd never met Marie so we were really looking forward to it. 

Ivie was washed, shaved and about to put on clean clothes (exciting for me in itself) when it emerged that there was a cow calving. When Kerr and Drew weren't home. And the calf was coming backwards.

There was at least a tenner for the swear jar as Ivie put his working clothes back on. I got changed out of my glad rags to show moral support, secretly hoping that my offers of help would be turned down. It's not that I'm unwilling exactly but have you seen the size and temperament of cows? Especially pregnant ones with little hooves sticking out of them. 

I stood well back while Ivie persuaded her into the crush and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Drew arrive. The swearing subsided as Ivie and Drew worked together calmly to try and get more than the hooves out. No further progress had been made when Kerr appeared and we were able to make a sharp exit to Sorbie. 

We had surprise main courses that Doug and Marie had ordered and Andrea had held off on cooking, and delicious desserts thanks to Morag. (Seriously, if you haven't been to The Pheasant, get yourselves down there.)

This morning, the wee calf (born via caesarean eventually) has its head up but hasn't got to its feet yet. I'm hoping that it rallies and ends up as mighty as this little Caesar. Looks like an Italian restaurant was just the place to celebrate its birth...
EDIT: I can report that the calf is on its feet! 

Remember this little guy? 

Farm of Destiny

What I've been thinking about:

1. Sonic the Hedgehog
2. Rudi the Spaniel

The short version of my adult life pre-dog ownership goes like this: 

I want a dog but I live in a flat - I want a dog but I work in an office 9-5 - I want a dog but I like going away last minute - I want a dog but my boyfriend is a farmer so I have to drive to his place if I want to see him - I want a dog but... nothing! - I've got a dog!!!! Look at my dog!!! 

Said dog turned 3 last week. She has no idea, though, mainly because we forgot until Ivie's niece (who owns Rudi's brother) posted a picture of Dougal having a birthday cupcake. That's just under three years of daily chaos and puppy dog eyes (and that's just Ivie). 

I was thinking about the bedlam on this morning's walk and it made me think of a Nintendo game from the 90s. No sooner have I stopped her rolling in dung that I'm watching her like a hawk to make sure she doesn't go in search of rabbits. As soon as those disasters are averted, she jumps in a ditch that is reminiscent of a First World War trench. And all before 8am. 

Unfortunately, I was never really into gaming so I am ill-equipped to deal with this level of brain activity at any time of day. Besides, there doesn't seem to be a trophy for getting your dog home clean (unless you count not having to bathe her in special shampoo before breakfast). 

You'll be unsurprised to hear that I was more of the geeky choose-your-own-adventure type, although I'm not sure anyone under 45 will have any idea what I'm talking about. For the uninitiated, these were books where each page ended with a choice along the lines of, 'If you open the gate, turn to page 17'. If you walk past the gate towards the oak tree, turn to page 23'. Adrenalin-fuelled stuff.

It clearly didn't prepare me for actual gate opening 

Maybe it's time for me to launch a reboot where the choices are things like, 'if your dog disappears and comes back smelling worse than you knew was possible, go home and cry' or, 'if your dog obeys your every command, pinch yourself because it was all a dream'. Not exactly escapist fantasy but they do say write what you know. 

Surprise, Surprise

What I've been thinking about: 

1. Cows.
2. Yes, really. 

There aren't many surprises at my age. Not that I'm tired of life or anything but I usually know how my days and weeks are going to pan out. And then Ivie asks me at Friday teatime if I want to go to a stock judging. 

Those in the know will understand exactly what that is. Here's what I thought it was before I went. 

You go to a farm where the local Young Farmers group has organised a lighthearted competition involving some animals, a judge and a few folk trying to guess what order he or she has ranked them in. 

Now I realise that, while that's the general gist, the stakes are a bit higher. For a start, I'd forgotten how competitive those in farming can be (remember this blog?). I also didn't know that there would be prizes (more on this later). 

The judging was at a dairy farm just a long the road from The Spittal. For once, this was true, rather than the vague notion of 'next door' which can mean a farm eight miles away. There were cars and pick-ups in every available space - I'm not usually a fan of personalised number plates but I am amused by COO and RAM on farm vehicles. As we walked to a big shed, Ivie pointed out other big sheds and I struggled to say anything relevant. 

I was initially reluctant when Ivie suggested a look around but this is a very high tech dairy farm with robots that do the milking. (Not in a Metal Mickey kind of way, that would be weird.) Basically, each cow decides when she wants to be milked and wanders into a stand where spinning brushes wash her teats (yes, it did remind me of a car wash for nipples). A laser pinpoints where the 'suckers' go and the cow has a nice snack while the robot does the work. 

After my tour, we talked to the judge (a distant cousin of Ivie's obviously) and somehow managed to skip the lengthy queue to pay our fivers and get a judging card. A fellow Fisher gave me her top tip (thank you, Lynn): "I always go for the eye lashes," then added that statistically a monkey would get 50% right. 

Cue a stupid question from Giblin: "Are there 134 cows?!"

When things were ready to kick off, I got myself ready in front of Ivie and his brother with pen in hand. What I wasn't prepared for was the cows being released untethered into the shed we were standing in. These beasts were HUGE and clearly used to human interaction. They trotted up and down, sometimes at speed and occasionally licked a sleeve. For classes 2-6, I stood behind Ivie and his brother, much happier to put some distance between the cows and my sleeves.  

The only thing I know about stock judging is that animals with straight backs are good. I made a snap judgement based on that alone (forgetting all about their eyelashes) and jotted down my answers. I looked up, expecting everyone else to have done the same but there were people walking up and down with serious faces, others patting the cows to get them to turn around and some were even on their hunkers to get a better look at their teats (the cows', not their own). 

At one point, a woman next to us said, "Turn round girls so we can see your arses," to which Ivie replied, "I'd get a slap for saying that!". 

There were six classes of four cows, so 24 chances to get the same answer as the judge. For the first five classes, I got half of them right (beating both Ivie and his brother). I decided to really concentrate for the last class as there were hints I might be up for a prize. And you've guessed it. I got zero. Still, a 40% success rate when you know nothing ain't bad (although still worse than a monkey). 

There was beer, burgers and chat to be had afterwards. And here is where I learned that I wasn't too bothered that I wouldn't be getting a prize. A friend's sister had been at a stock judging where she was presented with bull semen as a prize. Even I wouldn't be able to hide my surprise at that. 

All things bright and beautiful?

What I've been thinking about:

1. Chironomida
2. (It's not an STD)

One of the things I notice when I'm walking the dog at this time of year is the abundance of flora and fauna. Pink and blue flowers are dotted along the edge of the cycle track in between the nettles and sticky willy and swallows dip over my head on their way to feed their chirruping young in nests under the eaves. 

I'm unable to name most of the wildlife around here (although I'd probably be evicted if I couldn't recognise a sheep or cow by now). But there's one that any Scot knows in their first list of animals, along with being able to point at kittens, doggies and horses. And that's the aforementioned chironomida. 

Look, doggies! 

That's right, it's the wee biting b*****d that is the midge. 

In true Presbyterian fashion, we can't have blazing, uninterrupted sunshine for over a week and just enjoy it. Oh no, we have to suffer lest we enjoy life in all its glory. (As if burning within five minutes of leaving the house wasn't enough).

Factor Duffle Coat

This year's midge is more keen than usual, buzzing about for far longer than is acceptable. For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the little blighter, it usually appears early in the morning and later in the evening but leaves us to enjoy the bulk of the day uninterrupted. Not this year. The 2023 edition has decided that it is mounting a hostile takeover for daytime as well. 

I imagine them in their small but mighty midge army strategising about which watch each platoon will take to ensure maximum coverage (Ultravox playing in the background, naturally). When they're not sleeping (do midges sleep?) or biting, they're sharpening their weapons until they glisten in the light, ready for the next crusade. 

A youngster flies into the officers' mess with news of casualties, squashed on a boilersuit by a hand bigger than any of them can imagine. The more experienced among them don't miss a beat (it means nothing to them). The new recruits will one day be that hardened, barely registering the daily reports of losses. They remain focused on one goal and one goal only: domination. 

Anyone would think that the wee biting b******s are starting to affect my sanity. But I know the truth. 

Our Saviour